Let’s end the anxiety attachment and welcome a more secure style!
Your attachment style can be a good indicator of how you will approach dating, friendships, family life, self and relationships.
Let’s talk about being Anxious to having a more Secure attachment style.
We all know that anxiety in a relationship can cause some issues. When you’re anxiously in love your mind is constantly on this up and down rollercoaster ride of emotions. One minute you are on a high because you love hard and the next minute you’re biting your fingernails and playing out different scenarios in your head because your crush didn’t respond to your text right away.
When you’re anxiously in love, you are constantly:
- Thinking About The What If’s
What if they don’t text me back? What if they don’t like me? What if this is a sign for me to let this go because they are clearly not interested? What if I’m overthinking this?
- Analyzing Every Little Thing
What did they mean by that? Why did they say it in that tone? Why aren’t they using emoji’s? Why aren’t they responding to my text messages right away? Are they ignoring me?
- Going Back And Forth
I know what I want. I don’t know what I want. I really want to be with this person. I don’t know if I really want to be with this person anymore. I know what to do. I have no idea what to do.
Your mind becomes this never-ending tornado of confusion.
When it comes to being in a relationship, dating or falling for your crush, anxiety is a typical feeling. You’re excited yet nervous about this new person in your life. You’re on edge yet prepared to jump right into a new connection. All in all, anxiety makes its appearance whether you like it or not.
Although feelings of anxiety is warranted, too much anxiety can really put a damper in your pursuit of connecting with a potential person.
Anxiety may happen because of low confidence and self-esteem, thinking too far into the future and picturing you and your person standing in front of the altar way before you get the chance to know their middle name, experiencing something new and exciting for the first time which is causing you extreme worry, not being sure if the person is right for you in the long run (again, thinking far into the future).
When you’re stuck in an anxiety ridden mindset, it can really take the enjoyment out of getting to know someone. It can really be difficult to just, “go with the flow,” like your securely attached friends keep suggesting.
When you’re anxiety takes over, you don’t think about going with the flow. You think about your person meeting someone new, spending a glorious night without you or losing interest because you’re too much to deal with. You become clingy and needy to your person in fear of them leaving which opens up that childhood wound of abandonment which would be the very first step to conquer this attachment style.
When you are secure in yourself, you become the driver of your life. No longer sitting in the passenger’s side of Anxiety’s ride, you are taking control over your emotions by going with the flow and having a, “Que Sera, Sera,” attitude.
A healthy and secure attachment style will lift that “worry” weight off of your shoulders. You’ll feel light, your confidence will shoot up to the sky and you’ll have this glow about yourself that may attract the best of everything you want in your life.
Here Are 5 Ways On Becoming Healthy and Secure:
- Do The Inner Work
When talking about attachment styles, becoming anxiously attached is tied to the fear of abandonment in childhood. As a child you may have experienced anxiety when your parent or caregiver leaves the room, resulting in the fear of abandonment. This is why we want to cling onto our person to the point where their breathing is restricted. We are afraid of them leaving and we shouldn’t have to go through this feeling every time someone comes and goes throughout our lives. It is bound to happen. So, do the inner work in order to grow. Think back to your childhood, write in a journal, talk to a professional. Do what works for you in order to help your inner child become a secure adult.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Be present in the moment. Practice the art of just being. The past doesn’t matter anymore and the future hasn’t happened yet so why spend your days worrying about the what if’s? What if the what if’s don’t happen? Then you would have wasted so much time worrying about it instead of doing things that will serve you in a positive way. Train your mind to focus on the now. With every step, remember that nothing else really matters except for this very moment in time.
3. Try New Things
I don’t have a hobby and I cringe at the advice of getting into a hobby to keep yourself busy. My “hobbies” include trying new things. I recently tried pottery and I am currently on this digital art high. Try new things you never would have thought about trying before. Not only would this be a great way to experience life but it will build confidence within yourself. You won’t be afraid to fail (unless you’re a perfectionist like yours truly) because it’s new to you. Each time you try something new, you are building up your confidence and self-esteem. You won’t be afraid of making a fool out of yourself and failing at something won’t matter to you anymore because you’ll be enjoying the present moment too much to even think about it.
4. Know Exactly What You Deserve
When you’re anxiously in love, you tend to forget that you deserve more than what you’re probably receiving. If someone or something is heightening your anxiety, don’t be afraid to let it go because your body is telling you that the situation is not good for your health. This will get easier with time. Especially when you heal your childhood wounds. In the meantime, write down a list of qualities you would like to see in a potential friend or partner. A list of traits that coincide with what you believe you deserve and what you can give back. Don’t let sparkly eyes and a beautiful smile stray you away from a healthy connection.
5. Go With The Flow
Again, the past doesn’t matter anymore and the future hasn’t happened yet. It’s all about the present times and letting the universe run its course. You can control what you eat, how you spend your day and your outfit for your next weekend getaway trip but you cannot change the outcome the universe has in store for you. Your cards were dealt the day you were born so it’s best to take each day as if you were floating in the lazy river at a waterpark.
Evolving from an anxious, clingy and needy person to someone who is healthy and secure does not happen overnight. Like a lot of things in life, it takes time, patience and inner work to make this happen. You will reap the benefits of a more secure attachment style as long as you take it one day at a time and go with the flow.
You Got This!
-K.L.
